[NEohioPAL]A Mike & Ike Satirical Review of The Player's Guild's "Les Miserables"

[Jeff Holland]

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WARNING:  THE FOLLOWING REVIEW HAS BEEN RATED PG-13 BY THE THEATRICAL CRITICS ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA, THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA, THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION, AND THE UNIVERSITY OF AKRON'S LESBIAN GAY BI TRANSGENDER UNION.  THAT SHOULD TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW--Jeff Holland
 
A special message from Ike:  We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
 
Now I'm sure the three fans we have on this list were wondering where the hell we been lately and before ya even ask I did NOT get arrested again!  Mike and I finally got around to watching the Simpsons Season 2 DVD plus we had to have our annual End of Summer Multiplex Puke a Thon (Can't lie.  Pluto Nash hurt bad.  Think the limey had a seizure.  I know my eyeballs still hurt.  Eddie Murphy, you're a bad man.).
 
Mike:(English accent) All right, I need to get one thing out right off the bat.
 
Ike:(Southern accent) Come on, I wanna do this!
 
M:  The children in this were phenomenal.  The acting was amazing, voices beautiful.  I applaud the concept, I applaud the execution.
 
I:  Don't be such a suck up.  Lemmie at em!
 
M:  I just want to be sure no one thinks we're saying anything negative about the children.
 
I:  You done now?
 
M:  Yes, rip away!
 
I:(Giggles evilly) You know, I knew there was someone to blame for my hatred of musicals (Cept for Cop Rock).  For the longest time I thought it was Andrew Lloyd Webber.
 
M:  Not surprising.  Is it because he's ripped off--Excuse me--sampled everyone from Puccini to the Mamas and the Papas?
 
I:  Nah, I just think he looks creepy.  
 
M:  Oh.  Good enough.
 
I:  But since we started doin' this whole the-ater thing--I gotta admit--I've seen some good stuff:  Zombie Prom, Urinetown, Eating Raoul.  I didn't even mind Rocky Horror.  Reminded me a your family.
 
M:  You know what reminds me of your family?
 
I:  I don't care.  So for awhile there everthing was show tunes and Skittles but now NOW!!  my hatred of musicals knows no bounds!
 
M:  Hey!
 
I:  Now I hate musicals more than I hate political groups, tofu, and Temptation Island combined.
 
M:  I want to get my insult in!
 
I:  And who's to blame for this newfound disgust?  The French!  First, they import an 18,000 page overly written insomnia cure filled with a bunch of unlikeable obsessive compulsives who whine about how bad their lives are until they all die.  THEN, they inflict an 18,000 hour adaption with the same unlikeable obsessive compulsives who now SING about how bad their lives are until they all die.
 
M:  The students do more than just whine.  They do actually try to change their lives.
 
I:  And they all die.
 
M:  Well, yes.
 
I:  Everyone dies, except for the two lovers who are about as interestin' as a pair of plain white socks.  Everbody in this thing is a one note ride.  Jean Valjean is oh so good and oh so nice and oh so strong and oh so YECCCH!  Inspector Javert is way to obsessed with law and order (And Law and Order-SVU).  Heehee.
 
M:  I'm going to be hitting you very hard very soon.
 
I:  And when he FINALLY realizes that he might be just a tad overzealous in his duties does he think "Wow.  In tryin' to do good I've actually been doin' evil, I need to reflect upon my life and change it for the better?"  No, he JUMPS OFF A BRIDGE!!!!  
 
M:  Well, you did say the characters were one note.
 
I:  And, of course, since this is a MUSICAL we have to sit through this beautiful, heartfelt, admittedly nice number.  About one verse in, though, I wanted to stand up and scream "Shut up and jump, ya freakin coward!"
 
M:  I would have paid good money to see that.
 
I:  Shoulda said sumthin.  Then there are the tavern owners, greedy, unscrupulous, downright evil rat bastards who, of course, have the most fun number in the show.  Come to think about it, they don't die either.  They should.  All the students are brave, headstrong, and wearin' red shirts.
 
M:  Think for a moment.  It'll come.
 
I:  Our dashing hero is just there and all we know about his one true love is that her mom was a hooker and she likes dull men.  There's really only one multi layered character in the show.
 
M:  Eponine?
 
I:  You got it, limey.  In one song--Best song in the show, far as I'm concerned--you learn this girl's entire psychological make up (Screwy as it may be).  You really hope she has some happiness in her life . . . until she gets a bullet in the boobs.  And don't even get me started on Gavroche!
 
M:  Okay, here we are in complete agreement!  He is just annoying.
 
I:  Not as irritatin' as his song.  "Little People."  YECCCH!!  I didn't mind when he died.  Oh!  Oh!  Speaking of irritatin' songs.  (Singing) "There is a castle on a cloud.  There is a rifle in my hand." 
 
Mike laughs.
 
I:  Now, I admit, three of the songs are purty damn good.  (Pause) So are you gonna set up the next one or not?
 
M:(Sighing) Fine.  What did you think of the ending?
 
I:  No, I didn't hear the people sing . . . cause THEY WERE ALL DEAD!!
 
M:  Come on, Ike.  They're just children.
 
I:  Have I mentioned that at all, no!  But since you brought it up--
 
M:  Oh, God.
 
I:  I'm sorry but the whole "French revolution fought by junior high students" was just eerie to me.  I know everbody else, including you, has been bouncin' off the walls for this thing.  "Aww, look at all the cute kids doing this big famous musical!"  Look at all the cute kids doing a show which basically says in order to succeed in life you must either be borin' or evil and that if you try to change your life you'll get beaten, have your head shaved, and then die!  But the kids were good.
 
M:  That they were, yes.  (Pause) A lump of bull excrement.
 
I:  What?
 
M:  Think for a moment.  It'll come.
 
 
 
SPECIAL NEWS:  Mike and Ike Live Appearance!!!  September 26th at Midnight.  Details soon
 
 
 


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<P>WARNING:  THE FOLLOWING REVIEW HAS BEEN RATED PG-13 BY THE THEATRICAL CRITICS ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA, THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA, THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION, AND THE UNIVERSITY OF AKRON'S LESBIAN GAY BI TRANSGENDER UNION.  THAT SHOULD TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW--Jeff Holland</P> 
<P>A special message from Ike:  We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!</P> 
<P>Now I'm sure the three fans we have on this list were wondering where the hell we been lately and before ya even ask I did NOT get arrested again!  Mike and I finally got around to watching the Simpsons Season 2 DVD plus we had to have our annual End of Summer Multiplex Puke a Thon (Can't lie.  Pluto Nash hurt bad.  Think the limey had a seizure.  I know my eyeballs still hurt.  Eddie Murphy, you're a bad man.).</P> 
<P>Mike:(English accent) All right, I need to get one thing out right off the bat.</P> 
<P>Ike:(Southern accent) Come on, I wanna do this!</P> 
<P>M:  The children in this were phenomenal.  The acting was amazing, voices beautiful.  I applaud the concept, I applaud the execution.</P> 
<P>I:  Don't be such a suck up.  Lemmie at em!</P> 
<P>M:  I just want to be sure no one thinks we're saying anything negative about the children.</P> 
<P>I:  You done now?</P> 
<P>M:  Yes, rip away!</P> 
<P>I:(Giggles evilly) You know, I knew there was someone to blame for my hatred of musicals (Cept for Cop Rock).  For the longest time I thought it was Andrew Lloyd Webber.</P> 
<P>M:  Not surprising.  Is it because he's ripped off--Excuse me--sampled everyone from Puccini to the Mamas and the Papas?</P> 
<P>I:  Nah, I just think he looks creepy.  </P> 
<P>M:  Oh.  Good enough.</P> 
<P>I:  But since we started doin' this whole the-ater thing--I gotta admit--I've seen some good stuff:  Zombie Prom, Urinetown, Eating Raoul.  I didn't even mind Rocky Horror.  Reminded me a your family.</P> 
<P>M:  You know what reminds me of <EM>your</EM> family?</P> 
<P>I:  I don't care.  So for awhile there everthing was show tunes and Skittles but now NOW!!  my hatred of musicals knows no bounds!</P> 
<P>M:  Hey!</P> 
<P>I:  Now I hate musicals more than I hate political groups, tofu, and Temptation Island combined.</P> 
<P>M:  I want to get my insult in!</P> 
<P>I:  And who's to blame for this newfound disgust?  The French!  First, they import an 18,000 page overly written insomnia cure filled with a bunch of unlikeable obsessive compulsives who whine about how bad their lives are until they all die.  <STRONG>THEN</STRONG>, they inflict an 18,000 hour adaption with the same unlikeable obsessive compulsives who now SING about how bad their lives are until they all die.</P> 
<P>M:  The students do more than just whine.  They do actually try to change their lives.</P> 
<P>I:  And they all die.</P> 
<P>M:  Well, yes.</P> 
<P>I:  Everyone dies, except for the two lovers who are about as interestin' as a pair of plain white socks.  Everbody in this thing is a one note ride.  Jean Valjean is oh so good and oh so nice and oh so strong and oh so YECCCH!  Inspector Javert is way to obsessed with law and order (And Law and Order-SVU).  Heehee.</P> 
<P>M:  I'm going to be hitting you very hard very soon.</P> 
<P>I:  And when he FINALLY realizes that he might be just a tad overzealous in his duties does he think "Wow.  In tryin' to do good I've actually been doin' evil, I need to reflect upon my life and change it for the better?"  No, he JUMPS OFF A BRIDGE!!!!  </P> 
<P>M:  Well, you did say the characters were one note.</P> 
<P>I:  And, of course, since this is a <STRONG>MUSICAL</STRONG> we have to sit through this beautiful, heartfelt, admittedly nice number.  About one verse in, though, I wanted to stand up and scream "Shut up and jump, ya freakin coward!"</P> 
<P>M:  I would have paid good money to see that.</P> 
<P>I:  Shoulda said sumthin.  Then there are the tavern owners, greedy, unscrupulous, downright evil rat bastards who, of course, have the most fun number in the show.  Come to think about it, they don't die either.  They should.  All the students are brave, headstrong, and wearin' red shirts.</P> 
<P>M:  Think for a moment.  It'll come.</P> 
<P>I:  Our dashing hero is just there and all we know about his one true love is that her mom was a hooker and she likes dull men.  There's really only one multi layered character in the show.</P> 
<P>M:  Eponine?</P> 
<P>I:  You got it, limey.  In one song--Best song in the show, far as I'm concerned--you learn this girl's entire psychological make up (Screwy as it may be).  You really hope she has some happiness in her life . . . until she gets a bullet in the boobs.  And don't even get me started on Gavroche!</P> 
<P>M:  Okay, here we are in complete agreement!  He is just annoying.</P> 
<P>I:  Not as irritatin' as his song.  "Little People."  YECCCH!!  I didn't mind when he died.  Oh!  Oh!  Speaking of irritatin' songs.  (Singing) "There is a castle on a cloud.  There is a rifle in my hand." </P> 
<P>Mike laughs.</P> 
<P>I:  Now, I admit, three of the songs are purty damn good.  (Pause) So are you gonna set up the next one or not?</P> 
<P>M:(Sighing) Fine.  What did you think of the ending?</P> 
<P>I:  No, I didn't hear the people sing . . . cause THEY WERE ALL DEAD!!</P> 
<P>M:  Come on, Ike.  They're just children.</P> 
<P>I:  Have I mentioned that at all, no!  But since you brought it up--</P> 
<P>M:  Oh, God.</P> 
<P>I:  I'm sorry but the whole "French revolution fought by junior high students" was just eerie to me.  I know everbody else, including you, has been bouncin' off the walls for this thing.  "Aww, look at all the cute kids doing this big famous musical!"  Look at all the cute kids doing a show which basically says in order to succeed in life you must either be borin' or evil and that if you try to change your life you'll get beaten, have your head shaved, and then die!  But the kids were good.</P> 
<P>M:  That they were, yes.  (Pause) A lump of bull excrement.</P> 
<P>I:  What?</P> 
<P>M:  Think for a moment.  It'll come.</P> 
<P> </P> 
<P>SPECIAL NEWS:  Mike and Ike Live Appearance!!!  September 26th at Midnight.  Details soon</P> 
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