[NEohioPAL]A Mike & Ike Satirical Review of Mike & Ike Satirical Reviews
Jeff Holland
profbobo at neo.rr.com
Tue Jan 21 09:54:02 PST 2003
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It seems only fair to have the two people at the center of this recent =
controversey, Mike and Ike themselves, comment upon it. The reason they =
have not yet is they spent the week-end at a science fiction convention =
in Chicago where they got drunk with Bruce Campbell and saw a really bad =
production of Chess starring Placido Domingo as The American and Jamie =
Farr as Florence. When they returned, they were quite surprised by the =
entire thing. They had no idea they were getting letters at all, let =
alone nasty ones. Though the open forum on the issue has been closed, =
Mr. Sternfeld has graciously allowed them to have the FINAL final word =
on the matter. What follows contains strong language, many insults and =
should be deleted immediately.
IKE: Damn, that Holland's a puss.
MIKE: Amazingly enough, I agree with you.
I: He get's all depressed because we get hate mail!
M: Actually, I think he was depressed about other issues. The hate =
mail just compounded it.
I: What problems does he have besides being bald, gay, and talentless.
M: That about covers it.
I: Did he bother tellin' us about this crap? No! Did he bother =
tellin' us the we were bein' called the worst thing to happen to =
criticism since Richard Roper? No! Did he bother tellin' us Roy Berko =
hates us? No!
M: That's a given, though.
I: Doesn't matter. We should'a been told! I think it's funny some =
people think we owe the entire the-ater community an apology.
M: We were also called Cleveland's best theatre critics, which is odd =
in itself considering we don't live there.
I: Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm all for the ego stroking . . . for =
that matter, I'm all for any kinda--
M: Don't even!
I: If we're gonna be called offensive, I wanna be offensive!
M: Look, let's just say what we want to say and get going. We have a =
lot of work to do.
I: Right. First off, Jeff Holland is a dull, pathetic, useless waste =
of his father's bodily fluids. The production of The Foreigner he =
directed was about as entertainin' as watchin' a Rob Schneider flick. =
His Rolling Doughnuts stuff is about as funny as a Rob Schneider flick.
M: It was much better when JT Buck was involved.
I: Suck up. And this malignant cancer on the left lung of the =
Northeastern Ohio community the-ater scene has officially been fired as =
our editor.
M: And there was much rejoicing. (yay)
I: The limey that did the review of Impossible Marriage, which =
continues this Thursday through Saturday at 8pm at the University of =
Akron's Sandefur the-ater, which also stars Holland and proves beyond a =
shadow of a doubt that this man shouldn't even be allowed to guest on an =
Aaron Spelling show and should only be cast in crappy dinner murder =
mysteries, has also officially been fired as our editor.
M: We are now officially editing ourselves.
I: Like that's ever gonna happen.
M: We are NOT leaving the list. We weren't told about it, we had no =
say in the matter, and the positive response does prove that you like =
us, you really like us!
I: Thank you, Sally Field! From now on, anyone who does not =
understand the concept of the delete button and feels compelled to tell =
us how much we suck will have their letters printed in the next review =
with appropriate responses.
M: We won't print names and email addresses, of course. We may be =
evil, but we're not mean.
I: Jeff Holland is an asshole.
M: Now, we are going to take a little bit of a break. We do kind of =
like the idea of a newsletter, so we can review movies, television =
shows, books, and take our rightful places as entertainment gurus of =
the 21st century. Plus, we're currently working on our website, so we =
can irritate even more people! Plus, Holland somehow convinced a film =
company that he can write and he's currently working on the last draft =
of a horror film that is going to be hopefully filmed in the fall and he =
has the only computer, so we have to work around his schedule.
I: Dick weed.
M: To those of you who supported us during this open forum: =
Congratulations, you have very good taste.
I: Everybody else, bite me!
M: And now, before we go: We have a very special message to a very =
special fan.
I: Who sent us a wonderful two word message when he read that bald =
bastard's premature and unsolicited resignation.
M: Now we're not going to name names, that would be wrong.
I: But you know who you are, as do a few other people. You sent us two =
words, here's four words back: Your God is dead.
M: We'll see you in a bit.
I: Try the veal!
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<DIV><EM><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>It seems only fair to have the two =
people at=20
the center of this recent controversey, Mike and Ike themselves, =
comment=20
upon it. The reason they have not yet is they spent the week-end =
at a=20
science fiction convention in Chicago where they got drunk with Bruce =
Campbell=20
and saw a really bad production of Chess starring Placido Domingo as The =
American and Jamie Farr as Florence. When they returned, they were =
quite=20
surprised by the entire thing. They had no idea they were getting =
letters=20
at all, let alone nasty ones. Though the open forum =
on the=20
issue has been closed, Mr. Sternfeld has graciously allowed them to have =
the=20
FINAL final word on the matter. What follows contains strong =
language,=20
many insults and should be deleted immediately.</FONT></EM></DIV>
<DIV><EM><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT></EM> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>IKE: Damn, that Holland's a=20
puss.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>MIKE: Amazingly enough, I agree =
with=20
you.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: He get's all depressed =
because=20
<EM>we</EM> get hate mail!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: Actually, I think he was =
depressed about=20
other issues. The hate mail just compounded it.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: What problems does he have =
besides being=20
bald, gay, and talentless.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: That about covers =
it.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Did he bother tellin' us about =
this=20
crap? No! Did he bother tellin' us the we were bein' called =
the=20
worst thing to happen to criticism since Richard Roper? No! =
Did he=20
bother tellin' us Roy Berko hates us? No!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: That's a given, =
though.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Doesn't matter. We =
should'a been=20
told! I think it's funny some people think we owe the entire =
the-ater=20
community an apology.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: We were also called =
Cleveland's best=20
theatre critics, which is odd in itself considering we don't live=20
there.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Hey, don't get me wrong. =
I'm all for=20
the ego stroking . . . for that matter, I'm all for any=20
kinda--</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: Don't even!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: If we're gonna be called =
offensive,=20
I wanna be offensive!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: Look, let's just say what we =
want to say=20
and get going. We have a lot of work to do.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Right. First off, =
Jeff Holland=20
is a dull, pathetic, useless waste of his father's bodily fluids. =
The=20
production of The Foreigner he directed was about as entertainin' =
as=20
watchin' a Rob Schneider flick. His Rolling Doughnuts stuff is =
about as=20
funny as a Rob Schneider flick.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: It was much better when JT =
Buck was=20
involved.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Suck up. And this =
malignant cancer=20
on the left lung of the Northeastern Ohio community the-ater scene has=20
officially been fired as our editor.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: And there was much =
rejoicing. =20
(yay)</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: The limey that did the review =
of=20
Impossible Marriage, which continues this Thursday through Saturday at =
8pm at=20
the University of Akron's Sandefur the-ater, which also stars Holland =
and proves=20
beyond a shadow of a doubt that this man shouldn't even be allowed to =
guest on=20
an Aaron Spelling show and should only be cast in =
crappy dinner=20
murder mysteries, has also officially been fired as our =
editor.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: We are now officially editing=20
ourselves.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Like that's ever gonna=20
happen.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: We are NOT leaving the =
list. We=20
weren't told about it, we had no say in the matter, and the positive =
response=20
does prove that you like us, you really like us!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Thank you, Sally=20
Field! From now on, anyone who does not understand the =
concept=20
of the delete button and feels compelled to tell us how much we suck =
will have=20
their letters printed in the next review with appropriate=20
responses.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: We won't print names and =
email=20
addresses, of course. We may be evil, but we're not =
mean.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Jeff Holland is an=20
asshole.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: Now, we are going to take a =
little bit of=20
a break. We do kind of like the idea of a newsletter, so we =
can=20
review movies, television shows, books, and take our rightful =
places=20
as entertainment gurus of the 21st century. Plus, we're =
currently=20
working on our website, so we can irritate even more =
people! =20
Plus, Holland <EM><STRONG>somehow</STRONG></EM> convinced a film company =
that he=20
can write and he's currently working on the last draft of a horror film =
that is=20
going to be hopefully filmed in the fall and he has the only computer, =
so we=20
have to work around his schedule.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Dick weed.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: To those of you who =
supported us=20
during this open forum: Congratulations, you have very good=20
taste.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Everybody else, bite =
me!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: And now, before we go: =
We have a=20
very special message to a very special fan.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Who sent us a wonderful two =
word message=20
when he read that bald bastard's premature and unsolicited=20
resignation.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: Now we're not going to name =
names, that=20
would be wrong.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: But you know who you are, =
as do a few=20
other people. You sent us two words, here's four=20
words back: Your God is dead.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>M: We'll see you in a =
bit.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>I: Try the =
veal!</FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>
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