[NEohioPAL]ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

Sat Nov 26 19:35:28 PST 2005

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I have just assumed the mantel of Imperial Grand Poobah of Cleveland 
Independent filmmaking. I have appointed Al Tuskes Minister of 
Propaganda and Donna Williams head of the Filmic Enforcement. Our 
manifesto, authored by your exalted Grand Poobah and your esteemed 
Minister of Propaganda is as follows:

1) Under no circumstances will anything shot on lower video lifeforms 
such as VHS, VHS-C, S-VHS, 8mm, Hi-8, or other mongrel formats be shot 
or shown in the Northeast Ohio area, nor will any projects shot on 
cameras with less than three image chips.

2) If, during screening by the Ms. Williams, the Head of Filmic 
Enforcement, anyone in the audience leans over and says, "/What/ did 
they say?" the project will be immediately burned upon the Fire of 
Incompetence and the creators will be forced to enter the Columbia 
School of Broadcast.

3) All scripts will be submitted to the Poobah before pre-production, 
and, if the content is found to be beyond the reach of the proposed 
budget (i.e., a space epic, an action film involving car chases and/or 
explosions, period pieces involving swooping over vistas of clashing 
armies,  etc.), the author will be assigned to write jokes for America's 
Funniest Home Videos until he is deemed ready to pen a realistic screenplay.

4) All actors who beg for a lead part, get it, and subsequently desert 
the production and/or join AFTRA will be hunted down and forced to watch 
the entire first season of /Stacked/ in perpetuity.

5) Any film foisting the personal beliefs of the maker on the captive 
audience of the Indie Club must submit to the Equal Time law in which 
opposing viewpoints will be forced upon them via "Very Special" Ross & 
Rachel episodes of /Friends/.

6) All members of the People's Republic of Indie Club (PRIC) will be 
expected to have several controls disabled on their cameras, as no true 
professional would ever rely on these controls anyway. These include, 
but are not limited to: Auto-exposure/auto-iris, sound limiters, 
auto-focus, zooming controls, on-camera microphones. If tempted to use 
any of these devices, please hie thee to the main branch of the 
Cleveland Public Library downtown, sequester yourself in the Periodicals 
section, and peruse every page of every issue of American 
Cinematographer or Millimeter magazine until you find mention of a 
professional who relied on /any/ of these controls while shooting a real 
movie.

 7) Before you hand somebody your "script", saying that "everybody who 
has seen it, thinks it's the best they've ever read", please consider 
discounting the opinions any of the /everybody/ if they are:

            A - Your mother or father. After all, they want you to move 
out of the house at some point.

            B - Your significant other. They lie to you all the time 
anyway, just to spare your feelings.

C - The local actors who would sacrifice a limb or genitalia to be in 
something, /anything/, that could possibly give them a shot at the big 
time, no matter how unrealistic the possibility (/Dead Planet/ comes to 
mind...)

D - Anybody who hasn't actually read a script before.

E - Anybody who would make a financial gain, should you actually go into 
production, such as insurance salesmen, equipment mongers, casting 
agents, lawyers, etc.

 8) Any attempt at "Kevin Williamson-sonian" 
sly-knowing-wink-to-the-audience things, "Tarentino-esqe" 
cool-situations-strung-together-with-hipster-antiheroes-invoking-esoteric-comic 
book-geek speak or including references to pop culture icons in 
screenplays will result in the offender being immediately sentenced to 
Remedial Screenwriting 101.

9) The LCD viewfinder on the side of your camera. This means that out of 
focus shots, bad lighting, unbalanced lighting, mike booms in the shot, 
etc. will no longer be tolerated. If any of these events occur, realize 
that tape is cheap, so you can get a second take, or even rewind the 
tape to get a second take should you choose to do so. If you choose not 
to, your video camera will be deposited into the Fire of Incompetence.

10) If a citizen of PRIC buys a digital video camera and insists on 
referring to themselves as a filmmaker, director, or a producer owing to 
this purchase, they will be tossed onto the Fire of Incompetence without 
trial./ /This also applies to those who, after the purchase of 
screenwriting software, refer to themselves as a/ /screenwriter.

11) If a citizen's sole qualification for calling themselves a filmmaker 
is saying "I could do better than /that!/" repeatedly/ /while watching 
projects, said citizen will be immediately taken to the re-education 
camp where they will be forced to watch projects created by people who 
thought the same thing of themselves.

Additions to the manifesto will be added as required. Now sleep the 
sleep of the just knowing that your loving Grand Poobah is watching over 
you all.

   Nick

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I have just assumed the mantel of Imperial Grand
Poobah of
Cleveland Independent filmmaking. I have appointed Al Tuskes Minister
of
Propaganda and Donna Williams head of the Filmic Enforcement. Our
manifesto, authored by your exalted Grand Poobah and your esteemed
Minister of Propaganda is
as follows: 
 
1) Under no circumstances will anything shot on lower video lifeforms
such as
VHS, VHS-C, S-VHS, 8mm, Hi-8, or other mongrel formats be shot or shown
in the
Northeast Ohio area, nor will any projects shot on cameras with less
than three
image chips. 
 
2) If, during screening by the Ms. Williams, the Head of Filmic
Enforcement,
anyone in the audience leans over and says, "What did
they say?" the project will be immediately burned
upon the Fire of Incompetence and the creators will be forced to enter
the
Columbia School of Broadcast. 
 
3) All scripts will be submitted to the Poobah before pre-production,
and, if
the content is found to be beyond the reach of the proposed budget
(i.e., a
space epic, an action film involving car chases and/or explosions,
period
pieces involving swooping over vistas of clashing armies,  etc.), the author will be assigned to write
jokes for America's Funniest Home Videos until he is deemed ready to
pen a
realistic screenplay. 
 
4) All actors who beg for a lead part, get it, and subsequently desert
the
production and/or join AFTRA will be hunted down and forced to watch
the entire
first season of Stacked in
perpetuity. 
 
5) Any film foisting the personal beliefs of the maker on the captive
audience
of the Indie Club must submit to the Equal Time law in which opposing
viewpoints will be forced upon them via "Very Special" Ross &
Rachel
episodes of Friends.
  
6) All members of the People’s Republic of Indie Club (PRIC) will be
expected
to have several controls disabled on their cameras, as no true
professional
would ever rely on these controls anyway. These include, but are not
limited
to: Auto-exposure/auto-iris, sound limiters, auto-focus, zooming
controls,
on-camera microphones. If tempted to use any of these devices, please
hie thee
to the main branch of the Cleveland Public Library downtown, sequester
yourself
in the Periodicals section, and peruse every page of every issue of
American
Cinematographer or Millimeter magazine until you find mention of a
professional
who relied on any of these controls
while shooting a real movie.
<o:p> </o:p>7) Before you hand somebody your
“script”, saying that “everybody
who has seen it, thinks it’s the best they’ve ever read”, please
consider
discounting the opinions any of the everybody
if they are:
            A –
Your mother or father. After all, they want you to move out of the
house at
some point.
            B – Your
significant other. They lie to you all the time anyway, just to spare
your
feelings.
C – The local actors
who would
sacrifice a limb or genitalia to be in something, anything,
that could possibly give them a shot at the big time,
no matter how unrealistic the possibility (Dead
Planet comes to mind…) 
D – Anybody who hasn’t
actually
read a script before.
E – Anybody who would
make a
financial gain, should you actually go into production, such as
insurance
salesmen, equipment mongers, casting agents, lawyers, etc.
 8) Any attempt at “Kevin
Williamson-sonian” sly-knowing-wink-to-the-audience things,
“Tarentino-esqe”
cool-situations-strung-together-with-hipster-antiheroes-invoking-esoteric-comic
book-geek speak or including references to pop culture icons in
screenplays will result in the offender being immediately sentenced to
Remedial Screenwriting 101. 

9) The LCD viewfinder on the side of your camera.
This means that out of focus shots, bad lighting, unbalanced
lighting, mike booms in the shot, etc. will no longer be tolerated. If
any of these events occur, realize
that tape is cheap, so you can get a second take, or even rewind the
tape to get a second take should you choose to
do so. If you choose not to, your video camera will be deposited into
the Fire of Incompetence. 
10) If a citizen of PRIC buys a digital video
camera and insists on referring to themselves as a filmmaker, director,
or a producer owing to this purchase, they will be tossed onto the Fire
of Incompetence without trial. This also applies to those who,
after the purchase of screenwriting software, refer to themselves as a screenwriter. 

11) If a citizen's sole qualification for calling
themselves a filmmaker is saying "I could do better than that!"
repeatedly while watching projects, said citizen will be
immediately taken to the re-education camp where they will be forced to
watch projects created by people who thought the same thing of
themselves. 

Additions to the manifesto will be added as
required. Now sleep the sleep of the just knowing that your loving
Grand Poobah is watching over you all. 

   Nick

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