[NEohioPAL] A Special Announcement from Mike & Ike

[Jeff Holland]

WARNING:  THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT IS RATED NC-17 FOR EXCESSIVE SMUGNESS
   
  Mike: (English accent) Greetings and salutations.  He’s not Mike.
   
  Ike: (Southern accent) He ain’t Ike.  As most of our fans know, if ya look at our business cards, or our underwear, you’ll see our names and the title “entertainment guru’s for the neo-millennium.”  
   
  M:  My business cards, his underwear.
   
  I:  Guess what his says.
   
  M:  We have a new title to add to both.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen; you are reading the words of the officially acknowledged “unofficial spokeswhores for Evil Dead-The Musical.”  That’s right, dear friends.  One of the creators of this brilliant, award winning show knows of our undying adoration and hasn’t issued a restraining order.  In fact, he is so tolerant of us that when we asked if we could start calling ourselves that, he said, and I quote, “sounds good to me.”
   
  I:  We’re not gonna say who it is.  Partially cause we like buildin’ suspense.  Partially cause we like bein’ dicks.  
   
  M:  Trust us, we take our unofficial jobs very seriously, as we hope the following musical parody illustrates.
   
  I:  Hit it, Tommy Dorsey and His Orchestra!
   
  MUSIC:  ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY CANDARIAN DEMONS
   
  M:
  FIRST THERE WAS CATS
  A REALLY BAD SHOW
  BUT THE BUZZ WAS GOOD
  SO I HAD TO GO
  I HEARD THE SONGS
  THEY CAUSED ME PAIN
  BUT BEFORE I COULD KILL MYSELF
  I WAS SAVED BY A CANDARIAN DEMON
   
  I:
  CANDARIANDEMONCANDARIANDEMONCANDARIANDEMON
   
  M:  
  THEN THERE WAS PHANTOM
   
  I:
  PHANTOM
   
  M:
  THAT MADE MY SKIN CRAWL
   
  I:
  WAH-OOO
   
  M:
  I NEVER SAW
  THE WHOLE POINT OF IT ALL
   
  I:
  LLOYD WEBBER SUCKS
   
  M:
  HE ALSO ENJOYS
   
  I:
  WAH-OOO
   
  M:
  SWALLOWING SOULS
   
  I:
  GOOD FAMILY FUN
   
  M:
  BUT HE CAN’T DO HIS DIRTY WORK NOW
  CAUSE HE WAS KILLED BY A CANDARIAN DEMON
   
  I:
  CANDARIANDEMONCANDARIANDEMONCANDARIANDEMON
   
  M:
  YES, LES MIZ IS CRUEL
  AND TOO DEMANDING
  AND CHESS MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP
  ALL THE SHOWS THAT I HATE
  KEEP GETTING KILLED BY CANDARIAN DEMONS
   
  Why?
   
  I:  I don’t care.  Limey, baby, I know these shows seem bad now.  They always do, but I think you’re exaggerating a touch, sugar bean.  I mean, sure, modern musicals can’t hold a candle to Evil Dead, but that’s only two decades.  I mean, there’s no way that ALL the shows that you hate have been killed by Candarian Demons.
   
  M:  Oh no?
  MY FAIR LADY
   
  I:
  TOO LONG
   
  M:
  CAMELOT
   
  I:
  OH NO!
   
  M:
  NOT ENOUGH FOUL LANGUAGE
  TOO MUCH PLOT
   
  I:  
  CABARET
   
  M:  
  A PERFECT SHOW
   
  I:
  EVIL DEAD
   
  M:
  HAD NEVER BEEN SEEN
   
  I:
  IT’S PRETTY NEW
   
  M:
  AND I NEVER BELIEVED THAT IT WOULD
  UNTIL I SAW
   
  I:
  YAY!
   
  M:
  A CANDARIAN DEMON
   
  I:
  CANDARIANDEMONCANDARIANDEMONCANDARIANDEMON
   
  M:
  ALL THE SONGS ARE FUNNY
  AND THE BOOK IS TOO
  THE GORE IS HEAVY
  AS IT’S SPRAYING ON YOU
  EVERY SHOW I’VE SEEN I WISHED
  WOULD END IN BLOOD SHED
  AND NOW IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED
  THANK YOU GOD FOR EVIL DEAD
   
  I:
  COOL AS F—
   
  M:
  YES, LES MIZ IS CRUEL
  AND TOO DEMANDING
  AND GREASE MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP
  ALL THE SHOWS THAT I HATE
  KEEP GETTING KILLED BY CANDARIAN DEMONS
   
  I:  Namaste.
   
   

       
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