[NEohioPAL] Theater Etiquette

[Eric Oswald]

I thought the NEOPAL readers would appreciate this rather humorous article from the Aberdeen, Washington Daily World newspaper.  Although the article is already 12 years old, it still holds true!!



>From The Daily World Monday, February 5, 1996


Our Mesmerizing Stefano Outlines Theater Etiquette

By Stefano Esposito
Daily World writer

    Actors are by nature a supremely self-centered group of human beings - people whose egos require continual massage.

    For the actor, true happiness is not measured in material wealth or physical well-being, but by the frequency and volume of the applause.

    No applause, and the actor experiences feelings of rejection akin to those a small child might feel if his mother suddenly banished him from the house. But bring on an audience where grandmothers with purple rinses leap to their feet when the curtain falls and grown men weep unashamedly, and the actor will go to bed a contented man.

    All of this comes to mind as I, an actor myself (albeit an under-appreciated one), prepare for the opening night of "Noises Off," the Driftwood Players' latest theatrical offering in Aberdeen.

    I thought it might be useful to remind veteran theater-goers (as well as the hordes of drama neophytes who will encircle the theater Saturday night in the hopes of getting a ticket) of the critical role they play in keeping the actor's fragile ego intact.

    Let's call it Theater Etiquette 101:

    While rapturous applause is welcome at almost any time during the show, verbal approval is not. Upon seeing a friend or relative make a stage entrance, don't be tempted to yell, "Hey, Stef, it's your Uncle Bob come all the way from Sequim to see you!"

    Apart from the fact that this outburst immediately identifies you as an inhabitant of a cultural void, you have now succeeded in temporarily becoming the center of attention.

    This must be avoided at all costs. An actor deprived of the limelight is like a toddler who has just had his favorite toy yanked from his hands - a tantrum is only moments away. 

    The same rules about talking apply to noisy fits of coughing. If you are susceptible to this most irritating of habits, bring along a large supply of industrial-strength lozenges. If the hacking cough persists, slink out of the theater, all the while mouthing silent words of apology to those who are unable to see the stars as you pass in front of their seats.

    But remember, the "show must go on," so your own death by choking is preferable to a prolonged break in the performance.

    Strictly speaking, only those who suffer from incurable bouts of narcolepsy may be excused from obeying the "no-dozing-off-in-the-middle-of-a-performance", rule.

    Unfortunately, large numbers of men - perhaps browbeaten by their wives into coming to the theater - think it's perfectly acceptable to have a snooze in the stalls.

    Of course, it goes without saying that you only make yourself look foolish when, with head tipped back and large hairy nostrils pointed to the ceiling, a strange swine-like noise begins reverberating throughout the theater.

    But more importantly, you distract the intensely focused actors, and if there's an accompanying orchestra, don't be surprised if the conductor prods you violently with his baton because the musicians are unable to tune their instruments.

    AND NOW comes the final test. The above rules are merely a warm up for what you now must face: the post-performance encounter with the actors. It is the greatest test of a theater-goers mettle and requires almost as great a performance as those you have just witnessed on stage.

    An inappropriate word or obviously feigned remark about how "wonderful" he or she was can spoil everything you have worked so hard to achieve while sitting in the darkness.

    Needless to say, your ineptness may also destroy an actor's sense of self-worth and his or her budding career.

    Choose your words carefully. Practice what you plan to say at home when you have a moment to yourself. For those who are truly dedicated to the art of actor adoration, you might even consider taking an acting class.

    And if you are bold enough to suggest to an actor that his or her performance was truly mesmerizing, be able to back it up. Otherwise, you may find yourself in the following situation: "So you thought I was 'magnificent.' Interesting that you should say that, but, honestly, what specifically did you find so gripping about my acting?"    Pause,    "well, I...."    Longer pause, "well, um...."    But if you come to the "Green Room" fully prepared to fend off an actor's probing questions, you might try this fail-safe approach:

    "I don't know whether anyone has ever told you this before, but in a certain light you bear an uncanny resemblance to (Choose an extraordinarily good-looking actor with lots of talent, but not Keanu Reeves), and when you delivered (Such and such a line) it was so understated yet so incredibly powerful."

    You might even throw in the names of a couple of obscure but highly regarded playwrights as you discuss the tone of the play.

    But don't - and this is crucial - mention any of the other actors in the play. Despite all this mumbo jumbo about acting being a "collaborative effort," the actor only cares about how he or she looked on stage.

    NOW, after it's all over and you walk out into the cool evening air, feel proud - you have preserved the actor's delicate ego (at least until the next show), while simultaneously earning an "A" in theater Etiquette 101.

    But although you have given a worthy performance, don't start having delusions of grandeur. Remember your place. There is only so much room on the stage.