[NEohioPAL] A Mike & Ike "Satirical" interview with the cast of Beck's "Evil Dead-The Musical"

[Jeff Holland]

WARNING:  THE FOLLOWING INTERVIEW IS GOING TO OFFEND SOMEONE. WILL IT BE YOU?  
 
DECOY OCTOPUS
Written by
Ike
 
            You people have no idea how hard it is ta repel down a 120 foot wall with steam pipes blowin’ in your face and bullets zippin’ past your ears.  It’s a bitch.  Oh yeah, and the bullets are comin’ from a Hind-D.  Ta top it off, we got no guns to fire b—oh wait, never mind.
            The limey and me were workin’ our summer jobs, runnin’ spotlights at a secret government installation somewhere in Alaska ($10.50 an hour, benefits, meals, Direct TV; good times).  One night, we’re lightin’ up the surroundin’ area and I see Kurt Russell in camo sneakin’ around.  Now Captain Ron is one a my favorite flicks, so I didn’t sound any alarms.  Three hours later all hell is breakin’ loose and there can be only one explanation:  Russell is pissed.  Maybe he’d heard that L.S. hated Escape From L.A.
            Whatever the reason, we were fans and, more importantly, we didn’t wanna die, so we stuck ta that sumbitch like smell on shit.
            Hence our goin’ down the wall after him.  Yeah, I said hence.  Deal.  
            By the time we got down the wall, Russell was runnin’ down a hallway, holdin’ a rocket launcher he just happened ta conveniently find.   We followed him down the hall and up a ladder.  We got ta the roof just in time ta see the Hind-D blow up a satellite dish.  Then everything started blowin’ up.
            We crawled back down the ladder.
            At that very convenient moment our codec’s went off.  It was Campbell.  Time for our next interview.
            Thankfully, the limey had a cardboard box with him.  We hopped inta it and were instantly transported to a Check E. Cheese on Manhattan Harbor, where the cast of Beck Center’s hit production of Evil Dead-The Musical were waitin’ ta play 20 questions with us.
 
US:  Okay, you’ve been running for a couple weeks now, who in the cast is really pissing you off?
 
Zac Hudak:  No one. This is, honestly, the greatest cast ever. But Betsy (my facebook girlfriend) and I do have a few spats.
 
Patrick Ciamacco:  The Hand. He is in the dressing room for so long and all he has to put on is a watch. Also, he keeps giving me signals that he is interested and yet keeps shooting me down when I hit on him at The Rush. I don't like a tease. Damn you hand!!!
 
Bailey Carter Moulse:  I was exhausted with Dan the moment I heard him belch at the first rehearsal.
 
Kathleen Rooney:  Hmm…well-there is this guy named Dan.
 
DAN FOLINO:  Everyone but Zac.
 
US:  What was opening night like?
 
DAN FOLINO: All I remember about opening night is right after curtain call, I came backstage and PJ was standing there and we both almost started crying because all of the effects worked.
 
Betsy Kahl:  I like opening nights in general because my mom always gives me $20 at the end of the show. That can buy 3 glasses of cheap chardonnay (plus tip) and a $2 keno ticket at the bar. 
 
Josh Theilan:  Um, guys, I live in the present.
 
US:  What was it like having George Reinblatt (For those of you who don’t know, the writer of the show) down here…Thanks to us.  You’re welcome.
 
Amiee Collier:  He’s a great drinker and a funny guy.
 
Megan DePetro:  AMAZING. That was such a cool experience and he was so gracious and down to earth about everything. Not to mention he is f*@king hilarious. Dale too! I hope they come back!
 
DAN FOLINO:  He's a hip cat...and his girlfriend turns me on too. It was awesome that he came down to check out our little skit. And he's fun as hell to get drunk with and share cabs home with.
 
US:  How do you feel about getting the extension?
 
JT: I've been told it's more than adequate, I hate taking pills and unnecessary surgeries scare me so, I'm good. 
 
DAN FOLINO:  I don’t think I need one.  Didn’t you see Equus?
 
US:  Yes.  Any real blood yet?
 
ZH:  Yeah. My knees and shins are pretty banged up and I jammed my pointer finger last week. Its totally worth it though. Oh, and Betsy finally bled. She and I were worried.
 
BCM:  Yes, from furiously scrubbing the fake blood off my knees.
 
AC:  lots of real blood on my part. lots of bruises and lots of blood. the cellar isn't padded and it's not very forgiving. i'll find scrapes and bruises the next day and not completely remember where they came from.
 
DAN FOLINO:  Fuck yes. Lot's of it. My left hand looks like hamburger from when the trees attack me...plus the girls get their period every 28 days or so.
 
US:  Any fun bloopers yet?
 
PC:  Dan (Ash) is supposed to catch a baby from the sky at the end of the show. The first night George (the writer) was there Dan dropped the baby and turned to us and said his usual line of, "You assholes believe I can save you now?"... I was still trying not to laugh at the baby hitting his head on the ground and said this line forgetting I was on mic... "Yeah, unless I am a flying baby!"
 
US:  That and “Sweet Prom Fuck!” were the best lines the whole night.
 
MDP:  There have been a few silly things, like the window not coming out all the way when the branch hits it, and then falling out later in the show at a really inappropriate time. Or the many falls onstage. Oh, and the ad-libbing. Not technically a blooper, but definitely fun! Oh, and when Dan doesn't catch the baby at the end and has to improv that.
 
JT:  My favorite so far is Ash dropping the flying baby then asking us if we still believe he can save us from candarian demons and Pat's S-mart character saying to me, "unless I'm a flying baby...."
 
DAN FOLINO:  Watching Betsy trying not to laugh every night at my improved line is always fun.
 
US:  Is this the most fun you’ve had on stage?
 
MDP:  Without a doubt.
 
BCM:  Totes :-)
 
KR:  YES!
 
AC:  Um, sure?
 
NOTE:  DAN FOLINO tried ta answer this question, but Amiee hit him in a tender spot and he shut up.
 
US:  Has anybody besides us started quoting lines and bowing before you yet?
 
KR:  Not like you guys ;)
 
BK:  Some do quote lines. I don’t recall any others bowing or rolling in blood.
 
US:  YES!!!
 
PC:  No, you guys are the only ones so far. Although, that is only for me. I think for Dan it is an every day occurrence.
 
DAN FOLINO:  Pull up a chair in the living room of my life...people have been doing that to me for years now. We call them "Fanlinos".
 
US:  We don’t.  What’s your favorite moment in the show?
 
KR:  The S-Mart scene.  A winner every night.
 
AC:  On stage - watching the blood bucket fall on an unsuspecting audience member.
Off stage - interpretive dance backstage for the cast during "housewares employee"
 
ZH:  The audible disappointment when there preshow announcement says "don't worry. The blood washed out"
 
MDP:  Ooooh, that's a tough one. It's either getting my head cut off, or watching Zac in "Bit Part Demon." He's fabulous. It also might be "Ghost Dad" and his directional impairment.
 
JT:  My Ghost Dad scene.
 
DAN FOLINO:  Bucket seat. Without a doubt. Other than that, I like "Housewares" and "All the men in my life" a lot, and of course, watching Betsy trying not to laugh at the improved line.
 
US:  Do you think the music is extraneous and unmemorable?
 
DAN FOLINO:  What was that guys problem? It's neither of those things...that review on the other hand was extraneous and unmemorable...mostly because I couldn't tell what the fuck he was trying to say.
 
BCM:  I find it quite catchy.
 
PC:  Not for me. I find myself singing songs from the show during the week. Or even backstage. I actually am usually off stage dancing to "What the Fuck Was That". I enjoy the music.
 
MDP:  No way! I think the songs are perfectly over the top and cheesey. LOVE IT! Besides, without the songs, it's Evil Dead: The Play, which pretty much was already made 3 times and video taped for our viewing pleasure repeatedly on Netflix Instant Queue :)
 
BK:  The only thing more extraneous and unmemorable is any song written by Dan Folino.
 
AC:  I’m having a hard time forgetting it.
 
BCM:  I find it quite catchy.
 
JT:  Considering that I hum songs from the show all week long without thinking about what I'm humming, no. I do however think that reviews and the words of critics are almost always extraneous and unmemorable.
 
LONG PAUSE
 
JT:  Not you guys.
 
US:  Thank you.
 
JT:  Well, the check cleared.
 
KR:  No way! I LOVE it - it is totally slammin...and yes - I did just say 'Slammin'.
 
ZH:  No, but Bob Ableman is.
 
US:  He went there.  We didn’t.  Though we agree.  And now, cast, we end this interview like we end all interviews, with the famous questionnaire we just made up.  Cast, what is your favorite word for sex?
 
ZH:  Anonymous.
 
KR: Doing the horizontal polka…4 words I know-Deal.
 
BK:  I like fuck.  I abhor love making.
 
US:  And we like you.
 
DAN FOLINO:  It's not so much the word, but the phrase "I fucked the dog shit out of her"...yeah...that's my favorite.
 
US:  If you were a pinata,what kind of tree would you be?
 
MDP:  Sequoia.
 
BK:  Oak, although when you broke me open Chipotle burritos would fall out.
 
DAN FOLINO:  A giant sequoia that punched guys in the taint.
 
AC:  Dan Folino.
 
US:  If you were to measure DAN FOLINO’S ego on a scale of one to ten, how many zeroes would you need?
 
DAN FOLINO:  I truly and sincerely cannot wait to see what the other people said on this question.
 
KR:  Who is this ‘Folino’ you speak of?
 
US:  Tasier:  Real or fake blood?
 
ZH:  Real.
 
BCM:  Considering that some of the blood is made from Hersey’s chocolate and peanut butter, I’m going with fake.
 
DAN FOLINO:  The fake blood that I make for Josh is fucking delicious. He has a hard time not swallowing it because it tastes like Reese's just came in your mouth...and it was red.
 
AC:  Definitely real blood.  The fake blood tastes like ass.
 
US:  If you were stuck on a desert island, what celebrity would you have with you to cannibalize?
 
KR:  Easy.  Brad Pitt…mmm
 
PC:  The Jonas Brothers. I wouldn't have to worry about any tainted meat and well, let's face it... how satisfying would it be to eat the Jonas Brothers! Wow, that last sentence sounds very, very wrong!
 
US:   No, it all did.
 
ZH:  Anderson Cooper.
 
DAN FOLINO:  Robin fucking Williams.
 
MDP:  I’m a vegetarian, sooo…Carrot Top, maybe?  Just kidding!  Dan Folino.
 
AC:  Dan Folino.
 
US:  What the fuck was that?
 
ZH:  Sorry.  Had Chipotle.
 
MDP:  Someone just farted.
 
BK:  Best song ever.
 
DAN FOLINO:  My downstairs neighbor blasting "Dark Side Of The Moon" as loud as his stereo will allow...so...it must be the weekly unemployment party he throws every monday.
 
AC:  Dan Folino.
 
US:  Would you rather read Ann Coulter’s latest “book” or nail all the chicks on The View?
 
KR:  Please don’t make me choose.
 
JT:  Know thy enemy…so I’d probably do both.
 
ZH:  Eat Anderson Cooper.
 
BK:  Nail the chicks on The View and publish a tell all book.
 
PC:  Nail ALL the chicks on the view. I am sure Barbara is a lady on the street but a freak in the bed. Plus, I would love to hear her pillow talk. "Oh yeah Patwick, wight thewe... yeah, wide me... wide me. Oh, Patwick you wock my wowrld!!"
 
DAN FOLINO:  I would fuck the dog shit out of Barbera Walters.
 
US:  How do you solve a problem like Maria?
 
DAN FOLINO:  You fuck the dog shit out of her.
 
AC:  Give her a couple of black eyes.  That’ll show her.
 
JT:  The Second Ammendment and voluntary citizen border patrols.
 
BCM:  A lobotomy and a shock collar.
 
PC:  One word…CHAINSAW!!!
 
KR:  How do you solve a problem like Zac Hudak?
 
US:  Name a castmember and describe their body odor in one word or less.
 
BCM:  Zac-Gina Gershon.
 
ZH:  Bailey-Showgirls
 
AC:  Bailey-Bukkake
 
MDP:  Bailey-Bukkake.
 
DAN FOLINO:  Bailey-Bukkake
 
BK:  Bailey Bukkake.
 
JT:  Zac-de…
 
US:  And finally, if you could go back in time, what historical figure would you like to bone?
 
PC:  I think I would have to say Pocahontas. I would make her cry like a wolf to the blue corn moon and show her the colors of the wind.
WOW, I am never going to be working with Barbara Walters or Disney in my lifetime after this interview!
 
US:  Glad we could help.
 
AC:  I’ll bet Ghengis Khan was great in bed.
 
KR:  This is a tough one – I’d have to go with Kennedy…total stud.
 
BK  Moses Cleveland.
 
JT:  Cleopatra.
 
BCM:  I am told Thomas Jefferson was a babe.
 
DAN FOLINO:  Jackie O. Either when she was REALLY young, or when Jack was fucking the dog shit out of everyone BUT her. I totally could have talked my way into that skirt. I wonder if she shaved herself bald down there? No matter... I could talk her into doing that for---
 
            ---and that was when the power went out.
            The restaurant plunded into darkness.  Children cried, mothers’ comforted, guys groped their girlfriends.  45 seconds later the lights came back on.
            And the screaming started.
            DAN FOLINO was lying face down in a pool of his own blood, a knife shoved inta his back, a led pipe shoved inta his skull, and a Guatamalan child shoved inta his ass.
            He was quite dead.
 
 
TO BE CONTINUED


      
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