No, not everyone’s a critic By Bob Abelman I am and have always been a fan of the Chagrin Documentary Film Festival. But I have to admit to being concerned when it was announced that organizers of this year’s festival are offering patrons an opportunity to host their own private watch parties – called “Everyone's a Critic” – as a fundraiser. During the month of May, participants get to watch 5 short documentaries with their invited guests, critique the films, and select one to be included in this year’s 12th annual festival, which runs from October 5-10. In truth, not everyone’s a critic. But they can be with the investment of some sweat equity and by closely following the 3-step process I have rigorously garnered from my many years serving as the critic for the Chagrin Valley Times, News-Herald and Cleveland Jewish News. I’ve been recognized as the “Best Critic in Ohio” by the Associated Press, which is something neither the famous Siskel & Ebert can claim. But only because they worked in Chicago. Step 1: Be imperious and acerbic. As the food critic Anton Ego, from the animated film Ratatouille, knew so well, being a critic is all about attitude. At your watch party, take on an air of vanity and arrogance. Be snarky. Practice at home, with your family, and at work. Only briefly shake hands with your watch party colleagues, as if touching you is a privilege, and don’t make eye contact while doing so, because your eyes are meant for film not friends. Step 2: Be dapper. Come dressed to critique, which means wearing a woven or hand-knitted beret and a chic scarf while watching foreign documentaries. If you fancy yourself a deep thinker, wear only black. If you are a person of taste and distinction, where clothes that are ultra-fashionable and extremely uncomfortable. Or a sweater vest. Step 3: Sound affected. Enunciate like Vincent Price or, better yet, Katharine Hepburn, who masked their St. Louis, MO and Hartford, CT accents, respectively, by taking on a not-quite-British, not-quite-American style of speaking. If you talk with staccato t's and accordion-stretched a's, you will sound worldly and intelligent. Watch The Philadelphia Story and House on Haunted Hill as if they were tutorials. I know, my steps center on the superficial. It’s because if you are a supporter of the CDFF, you are already smart and perceptive enough as it is. Go to chagrinfilmfest.org. Bob Abelman is a Chagrin Falls resident, arts critic and the author of a funny new novella All the World’s a Stage Fright. Stop in at Fireside Books or go to amazon.com for a copy.