[NEohioPAL]Review of Carousel Dinner Theatre's "Phantom"

[Jeff Holland]

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by Mike and Ike

rdoughnuts at yahoo.com

NOTE:  The opinions expressed in the following email are entirely fictional.  Any resemblance to real viewpoints, voiced or not, is entirely coincidental.

The following is a transcript of a conversation imagined in a hash house somewhere in Amsterdam.

Ike:  I really want to hit you with a Baldwin right now.

Mike:  And I would deserve it

I:  I should have known something was up when I saw the sign that said Carousel Dinner The-ater.

M:  That would have been my first guess.

I:  You know, it's bad enough I missed a sneak preview of "Death to Smoochy," it's bad enough that I missed it for a musical, but being served dinner by a bunch of way too perky actor wannabes is what really sent this night into Peter Brook's crapper.

M:  The waiter was quite nice and the food was good, you said so yourself.

I:  But why did we have to share our table with Grampa and Gramma Munster?

M:  That's the way they do things.  So what did you think of the play?

I:  It was a musical.

M:  It was a horror musical.

I:  No, it was a romance, just like Lloyd Weber's Phantom,  only tolerable.

M:  Oh, come on!  This is completely different than "Phantom of the Opera."

I:  The title's shorter.

M:  The storyline is completely different.

I:  Yeah, now the phantom is a 73 year old Mexican woman named Inez.

M:  Raoul's name is Philippe and he's much more of a whore, Carlotta is co-owner of the Opera.  The Phantom's origin, which I think is barely touched upon in Lloyd Weber's, is given a full muscal number here.

I:  Why did he put a peacock mask on when he went up to the opera house?

M:  It wasn't a peacock.

I:  He had a perfectly functional white mask already on.  There was no reason for the other one.  Made him look like he should be whipping it out at Mardi Gras.

M:  Once again,  your gift for simile amazes me.

I:  I liked the he was a baritone.  Very pleasant deviation from LW's show.  Nice to hear a Phantom who's gone through puberty.

M:  I have to admit, while he was singing his first big song, "Where in the World," all I could think of was it should be sung by a mermaid.

I:  Speaking of songs, what the hell was up with the "Blah blah blah" song?

M:  It was called "Lessons."

I:  It should'a been called "Cut."  All he did was teach her how to go blah blah blah on key.

M:  I think there were some la la's, as well.

I:  I hate songs with la la's in 'em.  Like that one that goes "La la la la la la la la la means I love you."  No, it don't.  It means--

M:  You can stop now.

I:  As if the lack of song wasn't annoying enough, they kept moving these two big set pieces on and off stage during the number for no real reason.  They could'a stayed on and done the same thing with lighting but no, someone wanted the audience to get motion sickness.

M:  Most of the songs are quite good.

I:  Whatever.

M:  I saw you tapping your fingers during the "Phantom Fugue."

I:  I was havin' a mild siezure.

M:(Laughing) Admit it, you're starting to like musicals.

I:  There can be only one musical worth my appreciation and that is "Cop Rock."

M:  I'm not buying it!

I:  Shut up.

M:  Come on.  Let's sing something from "Showboat."

I:  Let's cut out your vocal cords and feed em to my fish.

M:  I'll loan you the soundtrack of "Urinetown."  You'll like it.  It takes place in your trailer park.

I:  I'd rather borrow the musical about you, "La Cage Aux Folles."

Pause

M:  So who did you like acting wise?

I:  The waiter.

M:  Be nice.

I:  I did like the guy who played Erik.  Unlike the wailing banshee in the other one, you can believe this phantom would welcome the touch of a woman.

M:  I think Barbera Porteus stole the show.

I:  Who?

M:  La Carlotta.

I:  Who?

M:  The uppity bitch.

I:  Oh, her!  Yeah, she rocked!  Actually, there really wasn't a bad performance in this show.  The cast was totally believable as stupid French people.

M:  And what else can you ask for in a musical?

I:  No music.

 



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<P>by Mike and Ike</P>
<P><A href="mailto:rdoughnuts at yahoo.com">rdoughnuts at yahoo.com</A></P>
<P>NOTE:  The opinions expressed in the following email are entirely fictional.  Any resemblance to real viewpoints, voiced or not, is entirely coincidental.</P>
<P>The following is a transcript of a conversation imagined in a hash house somewhere in Amsterdam.</P>
<P>Ike:  I really want to hit you with a Baldwin right now.</P>
<P>Mike:  And I would deserve it</P>
<P>I:  I should have known something was up when I saw the sign that said Carousel Dinner The-ater.</P>
<P>M:  That would have been my first guess.</P>
<P>I:  You know, it's bad enough I missed a sneak preview of "Death to Smoochy," it's bad enough that I missed it for a musical, but being served dinner by a bunch of way too perky actor wannabes is what really sent this night into Peter Brook's crapper.</P>
<P>M:  The waiter was quite nice and the food was good, you said so yourself.</P>
<P>I:  But why did we have to share our table with Grampa and Gramma Munster?</P>
<P>M:  That's the way they do things.  So what did you think of the play?</P>
<P>I:  It was a musical.</P>
<P>M:  It was a horror musical.</P>
<P>I:  No, it was a romance, just like Lloyd Weber's Phantom,  only tolerable.</P>
<P>M:  Oh, come on!  This is completely different than "Phantom of the Opera."</P>
<P>I:  The title's shorter.</P>
<P>M:  The storyline is completely different.</P>
<P>I:  Yeah, now the phantom is a 73 year old Mexican woman named Inez.</P>
<P>M:  Raoul's name is Philippe and he's much more of a whore, Carlotta is co-owner of the Opera.  The Phantom's origin, which I think is barely touched upon in Lloyd Weber's, is given a full muscal number here.</P>
<P>I:  Why did he put a peacock mask on when he went up to the opera house?</P>
<P>M:  It wasn't a peacock.</P>
<P>I:  He had a perfectly functional white mask already on.  There was no reason for the other one.  Made him look like he should be whipping it out at Mardi Gras.</P>
<P>M:  Once again,  your gift for simile amazes me.</P>
<P>I:  I liked the he was a baritone.  Very pleasant deviation from LW's show.  Nice to hear a Phantom who's gone through puberty.</P>
<P>M:  I have to admit, while he was singing his first big song, "Where in the World," all I could think of was it should be sung by a mermaid.</P>
<P>I:  Speaking of songs, what the hell was up with the "Blah blah blah" song?</P>
<P>M:  It was called "Lessons."</P>
<P>I:  It should'a been called "Cut."  All he did was teach her how to go blah blah blah on key.</P>
<P>M:  I think there were some la la's, as well.</P>
<P>I:  I hate songs with la la's in 'em.  Like that one that goes "La la la la la la la la la means I love you."  No, it don't.  It means--</P>
<P>M:  You can stop now.</P>
<P>I:  As if the lack of song wasn't annoying enough, they kept moving these two big set pieces on and off stage during the number for no real reason.  They could'a stayed on and done the same thing with lighting but no, someone wanted the audience to get motion sickness.</P>
<P>M:  Most of the songs are quite good.</P>
<P>I:  Whatever.</P>
<P>M:  I saw you tapping your fingers during the "Phantom Fugue."</P>
<P>I:  I was havin' a mild siezure.</P>
<P>M:(Laughing) Admit it, you're starting to like musicals.</P>
<P>I:  There can be only one musical worth my appreciation and that is "Cop Rock."</P>
<P>M:  I'm not buying it!</P>
<P>I:  Shut up.</P>
<P>M:  Come on.  Let's sing something from "Showboat."</P>
<P>I:  Let's cut out your vocal cords and feed em to my fish.</P>
<P>M:  I'll loan you the soundtrack of "Urinetown."  You'll like it.  It takes place in your trailer park.</P>
<P>I:  I'd rather borrow the musical about you, "La Cage Aux Folles."</P>
<P>Pause</P>
<P>M:  So who did you like acting wise?</P>
<P>I:  The waiter.</P>
<P>M:  Be nice.</P>
<P>I:  I did like the guy who played Erik.  Unlike the wailing banshee in the other one, you can believe this phantom would welcome the touch of a woman.</P>
<P>M:  I think Barbera Porteus stole the show.</P>
<P>I:  Who?</P>
<P>M:  La Carlotta.</P>
<P>I:  Who?</P>
<P>M:  The uppity bitch.</P>
<P>I:  Oh, her!  Yeah, she rocked!  Actually, there really wasn't a bad performance in this show.  The cast was totally believable as stupid French people.</P>
<P>M:  And what else can you ask for in a musical?</P>
<P>I:  No music.</P>
<P> </P><p><br><hr size=1><b>Do You Yahoo!?</b><br>
<a href="$rd_url/welcome/?http://greetings.yahoo.com">Yahoo! Greetings</a> - send greetings for <a href="$rd_url/welcome/?http://greetings.yahoo.com/browse/Holidays/Easter/">Easter</a>, <a href="$rd_url/welcome/?http://greetings.yahoo.com/browse/Holidays/Passover/"> Passover
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