[NEohioPAL] Mike & Ike review Sweeney Todd

[Jeff Holland]

WARNING:  THE FOLLOWING SONG PARODY CONTAINS A FEW
NAUGHTY WORDS

Mike: (English accent) Greetings and salutations. 
He’s not Mike.

Ike: (Southern accent) He ain’t Ike, but he IS an ass
rapin’ suck monkey!

M:  Oooh!  That one’s new.  I like it.  And I deserve
it . . . for today I am a suck monkey.

I:  The bitch saw Sweeney Todd without me.

M:  Yes, I did.

I:  How could you even—

M:  Oh, quite easily.

I:  This one hurts, limey.

M:  Good!  I didn’t kill you, but we’re even now.

I:  Oh.  All right.  I can deal.

M:  Almost even.

SHORT PAUSE

I:  Go on.

M:  Well, I was trying to figure out how to do the
review . . . without you.

I:  Dick Triscuit!

M:  And the only idea I liked was with song.

I:  What?

M:  Hit it, Tommy Dorsey and his Orchestra!

I:  Aw, fuck.

MUSIC:  KISS ME

M:  THIS SONG WAS CUT FOR THE MOVIE
I DON’T KNOW WHY. IT’S NOT THAT BAD
                       
                                  I: YOU’RE SUCH A
JERK

A LOT WAS CUT FOR THE MOVIE
SOME SONGS GOT TRIMMED. IT’S RATHER SAD

                                     YOU’RE SUCH A
JERK

IT’S JUST A SMALL COMPLAINT

                                                      
                                     WHO CARES

A REALLY MINOR TAINT

                                     WHO CARES

I CAN’T BELIEVE
JUST HOW GOOD
JUST HOW GOOD IT IS
SWEENEY TODD’S THE BEST
MOVIE MUSICAL I’VE EVER SEEN. IT’S-

                                     BITE ME

WHAT’S WRONG?

                                     YOU SUCK

NOT YOU
TIM BURTON IS THE ONE MAN WHO
COULD BRING THIS STAGE SHOW TO THE SCREEN

                                      I WANT YOU DEAD

WITH SONDHEIM’S MUSIC AND LYRICS
THIS IS A FILM YOU’VE NEVER SEEN

                                    STABBED IN THE
HEAD

YOU WANT A LITTLE MORE?

                                      FUCK OFF

LET’S TALK ABOUT THE GORE

                                      FUCK OFF

DO YOU WANT BLOOD
THERE IS BLOOD                I WANT YOUR BLOOD       
THERE IS LOTS OF BLOOD        ALL YOUR BLOOD
SPRAYING ON THE WALLS         SPRAYING ON THE WALLS
SPRAYING ON THE FACE.         SPRAYING ON MY FACE
IT'S SUCH A GRUESOME          YOU BASTARD
                              BITE ME

WHAT’S WRONG

                              BITE ME

IS SOMETHING WRONG

                              YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS

I KNOW

                              SO BITE ME

I’M SUCH AN ASS

                              I CAN’T BELIEVE
I WENT WITH-                  YOU WENT
OUT YOU                       I’LL 
THERE’S A LIFE                KILL
WITHOUT YOU                   YOU
WE ARE NOT                    YA
CONJOINED TWINS               DOUCHE
PLUS I KNEW                   BAG
REALLY GET PISSED OFF         I’LL KILL YOU

I’VE WAITED YEARS FOR THIS MOVIE
I’M SO AMAZED THEY GOT IT RIGHT

                               ALL RIGHT WE’RE DONE   

THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE
EVERYTHING’S PERFECT. A DELIGHT

                               LIMEY
OH SURE IT’S RATHER GRIM       WHY CAN’T WE 
A MOST DISTURBING HYMM         WHY CAN’T WE
BUT WHEN                       GO AND CATCH          
YOU’VE GOT                     A LATE SHOW. OH
JOHNNY DEPP                    IT’S NO FAIR      
AND A CAST                     YOU SAW IT
LIKE THIS                      WITHOUT ME
STEPHEN SONDHEIM’S SCORE       LIMEY
NOT TO MENTIONJ                I WANT TO
THE SHEER                      I WANT TO
GENIUS                         SEE THIS FLICK 
OF TIM--                       SO BADLY 
LET’S GO

                               RIGHT NOW?

WHY NOT?

                               HOT DAMN

FALCOR

                               I’LL LOAD

LOADED

                               AH SIR

I:  I wonder if the lyrics will look even once this
thing gets posted.

M:  Probably not.

I:  Ah, well.  

M:  Merry Christmas.

I:  And namaste.


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